ITV’s, Take me out – A True Blood spin-off dating show.

ITV’s new dating show is a shocking experience for anyone expecting Blind Date, 2010. It should be renamed, Fancy a quickie?  The contestant response to this question is generally an emphatic, yes.  The host, Paddy, comes out to an announcement that he is, every man’s man and every woman’s woman.  What, he’s a hermaphrodite? I was quite excited about ITV’s equal opportunities policy finally reaping rewards, but no, it’s just the first of many nonsensical phrases.

The show’s format is one male and thirty women. The male performs like a chimp in front of the thirty women and are then informed, in the words of the host Paddy, “no likey, no lighty.”  In English this means – if the girls like the man then they leave their light on, otherwise, it’s turned off.  There’s three rounds, any girls left then the male gets to choose a female to take back to his cave.  The male contestants generally defy belief, with their group catchphrase being, “girls think I’m arrogant, but I’m not really, just confident.”  The girls like showing their fake cleavage to the world.  It starts with the male in the love lift – yes, it’s really called that – which he leaves to a song of his choice.  If he’s short or ugly, seventy five percent turn their lights off to a parade of buzzing noises.  Ugly short men rarely get dates.  Otherwise the ladies gurn, gyrate, and salivate.

If you’re lucky enough to score a date you get to visit Fernando’s, an exclusive night spot in Manchester.  A quick search on the internet reveals there’s a Pizzeria called Don Fernando’s in Cheshire, but besides that, nothing.  Fernando’s, for the record, looks neither exclusive, nor like a night spot.  It looks like a room at the back of the TV studio.   If I was Don Fernando, I would get a disclaimer on the opening credits.

Plot spoiler to True Blood, season 2.

The host, Paddy, was in the highly acclaimed Phoenix Nights and is also a stand up comedian.  Here he fails to string together a sentence a human being over the age of 7 could understand.  I feel he’s catering a little to the contestants.  Also, perhaps one of the most worrying aspects is that nobody is drunk.  That is why I believe the show is actually a weird spin-off from True Blood, series 2.  Marian spends much of season 2 making characters rut with each other, promoting carnage in attempt to raise her God, Dionysus. Hmmm, rutting you say? Well, Paddy seems to promote that, and when I watch the program I’m violent towards the TV.  Then looking at Paddy’s eyes a little closer and… holy crap – he’s a zombie.  Is Paddy trying to raise his God, Cilla Black, from retirement?  If so, I think he might be going about it the wrong way.

Paddy, take me out, ITV

Take me out is a work of awfulness that will become a cult classic, it’s on in the UK on ITV every Saturday, be sure to check it out.